Morning Paper
A One-Act Play
by
Joseph P. Rogers
Cast of Characters
(In order of appearance)
ERIN (a young girl)
KELLY (her mother)
JAMES (her father)
PATRICK (her brother)
Scene I
THE SETTING is in an attractive kitchen with large windows through which outdoor scenery can be viewed.
ERIN rushes into the kitchen, holding her shoes. She goes directly to the window and looks out, craning her neck to get a better angle. A pleased expression appears on her face. She turns a chair around, sits down, puts on her shoes, and hurries outside. In a few seconds ERIN returns, holding a newspaper, which she then unwraps. She sits back down, places the newspaper on the table, and pulls out a middle section. ERIN eagerly begins to read.KELLY enters the kitchen.KELLY: Good morning, dear.
ERIN (without looking up): Morning, Mums.
(KELLY walks over and looks over her daughter's shoulder to see what ERIN is reading. KELLY sighs.)
KELLY: You're reading those death notices again. You are likely the only child in this town who reads the death notices.
ERIN: Yes, Mums.
(KELLY sighs loudly and begins placing dishes and food on the table.)
(JAMES enters, goes to the refrigerator, takes out a gallon of milk, fills Erin's bowl and his own bowl. JAMES places the milk in the center of the table and sits down directly across from ERIN.)
KELLY: James, your daughter is reading those death notices again.
JAMES: And what is your daughter reading, my dear?
KELLY: Unfortunately, the same thing. Don't you think it shows morbid curiosity for a girl her age to read those?
JAMES: Let the girl read what she wants, Kelly.
KELLY: She doesn't know anyone who has died. Why do you read those notices, Erin?
ERIN: It's just interesting. These persons have all passed on to the next world, and this is the only way that I can know anything about them in this world.
JAMES: There! You see, Kelly! We are raising a philosopher (He reaches over and takes a section of the newspaper) I usually read the front page first, but perhaps I should follow our daughter's example and start with the obituaries.
ERIN (looks up and smiles): In order to get them first, you'd have to get outside before me.
JAMES (laughs): No. I'll not race you for the paper. (He pours some cereal into the bowl from which ERIN is absent-mindedly spooning milk into her mouth) (In a lower voice to ERIN) You'd better use some of this or your mother will be convinced that the obits have warped your mind.
KELLY (half-turning from the sink): Most children read the funny part first! That's what you should be reading!
ERIN: I do read the funnies, Mums. I just don't read them first.
JAMES: 'Peanuts' was always my favorite comic strip. I could always identify with Linus sitting out there in the pumpkin patch waiting for the Great Pumpkin.
ERIN: You're silly, Daddy.
JAMES: That's because I spent too much time reading the funnies when I was growing up. If I had read more serious sections of the paper, I'd be a philosopher like you.
KELLY: Don't encourage her morbid curiosity, James.
(PATRICK enters the kitchen and sits down at the table. He fills his cereal bowl.)
PATRICK: I want the funnies.
(JAMES gives PATRICK that section of the paper)
KELLY: Now that's what a normal child should be reading.
ERIN: Yes, Patrick is quite prosaic.
(They all look at her)
ERIN: Prosaic means ordinary, everyday, dull, unimaginative.
JAMES: I know what it means; the question is how do you know?
ERIN: Oh, it was the "word of the day" in the paper last week.
JAMES: Ah, good. However, your brother might surprise you someday; he'll turn out to be a font of wisdom.
ERIN: I doubt it. Patrick is the most prosaic person that I know.
KELLY: All children should be prosaic; their parents would have fewer headaches.
PATRICK: I'd like the news section now.
JAMES (handing him the news section): See, Erin, your brother has surprised me already; I expected him to ask for the sports section.
(KELLY sits down at the table with the rest of her family.)
KELLY: The one good thing about children reading the obituaries is that it might make them more cautious. If they read about all these reckless teenagers who have accidents, it could make children more cautious when they start to drive.
PATRICK: You and Dad read the paper in the same order: news, obits, comics, and sometimes the sports section. Mom, you get to the obituaries almost as fast as Erin does.
JAMES: Your mother is very, very old. She's looking for the names of any of her high school classmates.
KELLY (laughs): And your father is three years older than I am, so he's both looking for and finding the names of his classmates. (She picks up the comics section) When I was growing up, "Family Circus" was my favorite comic strip. Little did I know that it would be a preview of coming attractions.
PATRICK: I think that the news section is more depressing than the obituaries. Every day there's some new atrocity.
ERIN: "Atrocity" was a "word of the day" two weeks ago.
JAMES: Well, I'm glad that your brother is also using that column to build his vocabulary, and he's absolutely correct about the news section.
ERIN: Why do so many bad things happen, Daddy?
JAMES: My little philosopher, that is a subject about which countless books have been written over many centuries. One philosopher, who proceeded you by a bit, said that we are not human beings on a spiritual journey, but rather spiritual beings on a human journey.
ERIN: I wish that there were only good, happy things on the journey. I wish that there were no names in the death notices. Maybe someday I'll look at the obituaries, and there won't be a single name listed.
PATRICK (looking up from the newspaper): You should try looking at the list from a different perspective, Erin. In school last week we learned about paradigm shifts that give you a new perspective on things. Think of the names listed on that page as being the passenger list for a ship that is sailing to a new and wondrous land.
ERIN: Maybe you're not so prosaic after all, Patrick.
PATRICK: Thanks.
JAMES: Both of our children are philosophers, Kelly. In addition to what Patrick said, I'd like to add that our mortal life is our only opportunity to experience bad things because in Heaven there will be no death, grief, loss, fear, despair, or anything evil.
KELLY: That's a rather complicated idea, James -- even for our two philosophers.
JAMES: Yes, it is. Basically, what I am saying is that the sufferings in this world will enable us to better appreciate the joys in the next world when we are united with God and reunited with all our loved ones.
ERIN: You're a philosopher too, Daddy.
JAMES: Well, while I was sitting in the pumpkin patch for all those hours with Linus, I had to think about something.
ERIN: I guess so.
KELLY: If all of my philosophers have finished their breakfasts, they had better get moving so that they won't be late for work and school.
(They all rise from the table and gather their belongings)
THE END
